I wish you were here. Today was moving day at our house, and even though it was crazy, I wish you were here. I wish we could have brought you home. You would have been able to either sleep in mommy and daddy's room, or we would have set up the prettiest nursery for you in a beautiful green room that was waiting for you. But you never slept here. Instead, I saw the movers break down your little cradle and bassinet to put them into boxes. We never used them. I sorted through all the little girl outfits we had gotten. You never wore them. They packed up all my maternity clothes. I no longer need them. All of those are signs to me that you are no longer here. And I wish you were.
Jackson is sleeping, Daddy is at swimming, and the house is full of big tall piles of boxes. Lots and lots of boxes. There's no work to do, no TV to watch, no dishes to clean or dinner to cook. It's just me and my thoughts, so of course those thoughts are full of you. I wish we were having a quiet girl night at home. I wish I was figuring out how we'd decorate the pink room that's waiting in our new house. But instead, I have to think of a new color to paint over that pink room, and it breaks my heart. Because I want that to be your room.
We'll be okay. The 3 of us (4 with Larry!) will move into our new house and it will become our very special home. We will be close to Grammy and Grampy, Aunt Gigi, our friends, lots of parks, the zoo, and our church. It's the perfect time for us to move so we can have all those things, but I just wish we could have all of those things AND you. I know this is for the best. I know God works all things together for good. I know there's a bright side. I know it would be hard to move with an infant. But I don't think it would be any harder than moving withOUT an infant.
Jackson has a little book called "Just in Case You Ever Wonder". For some reason it has become his favorite lately. It talks about all the ways that he is special, how God created him and gave him to us, how we'll always love him and take care of him, and a little bit about what Heaven is like. It says there is no sickness there, no pain, and that Jesus will be so close He can hug us. Well, we've added to that book. We now always talk about how you're there in Heaven too - waiting for us, not sick, and getting hugs from Jesus.
So just in case you ever wonder...you are so special, we love you, we miss you, and we're so thankful that God gave you to us. Please don't ever forget that.
I wish you were here.
Hugs and kisses,
Mommy
You are in my prayers. I am specifically praying for peace in the midst of your pain. Keep clinging to Him; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
ReplyDeleteLove, Kristin (from Louisiana)
Oh, Mar, I wish she was there with you too! You're right, all of the things that you said about her being in heaven and it being God's plan, but its still impossible not to imagine what it would have been like if she was with you, and to want that scenario. I think about you and pray for you guys every day. May God bless you in your new home! Love you tons!!
ReplyDeleteI too am surrounded by boxes in a new house....the thoughts of what we left behind run through my head so often.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever wonder if He loves you...He does love you so much and is so proud of you and the way you are walking this journey. Peace will come in the moments you need it most. Hope will be felt in your darkest moments.
I am praying for you and think of you so often.
Love,
Laura
praying for you tonight.
ReplyDeletethinking of you guys.
ReplyDeleteI miss you guys. marceline, can we hang out? go to a park, visit reagan, or go to coffee... I miss you, I've spent time today reading your blog and thinking of you, and I even watched the video. ..... Miss you, call me...
ReplyDelete