Sadie Grace

Today I received the heart-wrenching news that my close friend Kerry (my roommate from college) lost her daughter at 37 weeks. She has had a healthy pregnancy and was due on May 21, but after sensing a decrease in the baby's activity, she went to the doctor last night. No heartbeat was found. Kerry and Jeff went back home and scheduled a c-section for tomorrow, Wednesday, 4/29 at 12:30 mountain time. They will have the day to hold and love on their little girl, Sadie Grace, who has already gone to be with Jesus.

I guess I'm the one person who should know what to say, but I don't. I just love Kerry and I want it to be okay, but it's not. I want our daughters to be friends here on earth, but they're not. My immediate response was just that I want to be there for Kerry. Then my thoughts drifted to two little girls, dancing together in Heaven, while their mommies cry for them here. I just don't understand it. I don't think I can and I don't think I will.

I'm not sure who checks this blog anymore, but I know there are a lot of prayer warriors out there. If you are one of them, would you please pray for Kerry, her husband Jeff, and their little boy Caleb (almost 3)? Please also pray for my friend Sarah and I as we are flying out to Colorado this weekend to be with Kerry. I know I need to be there, to hug her, to listen, to cry, to help, and just to be with her, whatever that looks like. I'm a little scared of how this will affect me, as the wounds are still so raw, but I trust in God's timing. I pray that He will use me and that this will provide some healing for both of us.

Somehow this makes me miss Reagan so much more, if that's even possible. But I love the picture I have in my head, of two little curly headed girls, just like their mommies, sharing the best of times.

April 15, 2009

Dear Reagan,

I wish you were here. Today was moving day at our house, and even though it was crazy, I wish you were here. I wish we could have brought you home. You would have been able to either sleep in mommy and daddy's room, or we would have set up the prettiest nursery for you in a beautiful green room that was waiting for you. But you never slept here. Instead, I saw the movers break down your little cradle and bassinet to put them into boxes. We never used them. I sorted through all the little girl outfits we had gotten. You never wore them. They packed up all my maternity clothes. I no longer need them. All of those are signs to me that you are no longer here. And I wish you were.

Jackson is sleeping, Daddy is at swimming, and the house is full of big tall piles of boxes. Lots and lots of boxes. There's no work to do, no TV to watch, no dishes to clean or dinner to cook. It's just me and my thoughts, so of course those thoughts are full of you. I wish we were having a quiet girl night at home. I wish I was figuring out how we'd decorate the pink room that's waiting in our new house. But instead, I have to think of a new color to paint over that pink room, and it breaks my heart. Because I want that to be your room.

We'll be okay. The 3 of us (4 with Larry!) will move into our new house and it will become our very special home. We will be close to Grammy and Grampy, Aunt Gigi, our friends, lots of parks, the zoo, and our church. It's the perfect time for us to move so we can have all those things, but I just wish we could have all of those things AND you. I know this is for the best. I know God works all things together for good. I know there's a bright side. I know it would be hard to move with an infant. But I don't think it would be any harder than moving withOUT an infant.

Jackson has a little book called "Just in Case You Ever Wonder". For some reason it has become his favorite lately. It talks about all the ways that he is special, how God created him and gave him to us, how we'll always love him and take care of him, and a little bit about what Heaven is like. It says there is no sickness there, no pain, and that Jesus will be so close He can hug us. Well, we've added to that book. We now always talk about how you're there in Heaven too - waiting for us, not sick, and getting hugs from Jesus.

So just in case you ever wonder...you are so special, we love you, we miss you, and we're so thankful that God gave you to us. Please don't ever forget that.

I wish you were here.

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy

April 9, 2009

Dear Reagan,

I've been laying in bed for over an hour and I just can't fall asleep. I've been snuggling with your blanket, my mind swirling with things I've wanted to share with you, things I want to tell you, wishing it was you I was snuggling rather than just the blanket. Daddy already wrote on here tonight when you were on his mind, and it reminded me that this might be a place where I could capture my thoughts for you. I hope that's okay.

Tomorrow is your daddy's birthday. I wish so bad that you were here to celebrate him. Do you have any idea how amazing he is? I'm sure you do. He loves you so much and misses you every day - you're the luckiest girl in the world to call him daddy. He is so strong and he is so funny. He would have made you smile and laugh, he would have played with you non-stop, and I know he would have spoiled you rotten. He spent hours with you when you would have been by yourself and I wasn't able to be there and he learned all about you during that time. I think you knew he was there, which is why you gave him some very special looks during your short time with us. I got him something very special for his birthday this year. It represents you, and I know he will hold it close to his heart.

We got two very special things in the mail today. First, we received your baptism certificate. Any time that I receive something with your name printed on it, I love it. It means you were here, you're a member of our family, and you have weight in this world. I love what it says: "Reagan Joy Glavach was presented to God by her parents for infant baptism". We don't see baptism as a way to get into Heaven, but we do see it as a covenant with God, and a way for Him to put His mark on our children. That's why we had you baptized the day you were born, and it added to the peace we felt with your passing.

I also received something very sweet from Laura, at String of Pearls. She sent a certificate for us to order a doll from Baby Be Blessed. I have wanted one of these so bad since I saw them on Angie's blog. I can't wait to design one for you with our special verse, 1 Samuel 1:27-29.

Jackson and I took a long walk to the park today. As we were walking I kept looking down at the stroller - thinking about how we had intentionally bought one where a second seat could be added. I kept looking down, wondering what it would look like if I had my little 6 week old daughter in the back, with her big brother riding up front. I know it's selfish for me to want you here for those little moments, when they pale in comparison to what you have in Heaven, so just know that we think of you all the time, in the big moments and the little ones, and we miss you.

Your Grammy gave me a great devotional last year called "Jesus Calling." It was a comfort to me in the fall when we first learned about how special you would be. I've been behind on my reading, but picked it up this week to catch up. Even though your birthday is February 23, the date March 10 has always been special to me because that was my due date. I've had your name on my calendar on that date for months, and 3/10 is especially meaningful now as well because you weighed 3 lb. 10 oz. I flipped to the reading for 3/10 and this is what it says:

"You are with me for all time - and beyond time into eternity. No power can deny you your inheritance in heaven. I want you to realize how utterly secure you are! Even if you falter as you journey through life, I will never let go of your hand."

I cried as I read those words because not only do I feel that you are with me for all time, but I know that you are with God for all time, and so am I! It made me realize that yes, you are utterly secure, and even though I had to let go of you, God hasn't let go of you, and He hasn't let go of me.

We love you and are so proud of you.

Love,

Mommy

My beautiful daughter and her beautiful blue eyes...

I miss my daughter. She had the most beautiful eyes. There's a picture of her where she was looking at me, then she closed them and passed away shortly there after. It is tough to look at, but it helps. It helps me remember her, it helps me think about her. I wouldn't change anything. We have been really busy lately because I am getting transferred, but it's to our home, and it is close to where Reagan is. I have never been a "graveyard person," but I never had someone there that I really cared about. Every time we are able to go see her, we do.

If you are reading our blog and recently found out that your child might have Trisomy 18 or a Trisomy disorder, quite a few doctors gave us "options"....and you know what I'm talking about. One doctor even said that we were doing a very noble thing by keeping her. What does that mean? I think it is unfortunate that doctors would recommend that, but I guess they were "keeping us informed."

No doctor can take away my daughter. No doctor can take her away from me, and her beautiful deep blue eyes. I miss them, I miss her. I love her and I always will. No one can ever take that away from me.

God Bless all of you. Thank you for your continued support. You have no idea how humbling it is to have people you don't even know around the world praying for you.

Dan