I'm feeling the need to post something here, even though I have no idea what I'm going to say. Today is the 23rd, which always takes me back - especially from 3:20 p.m. on the 23rd to 3:38 p.m. on the 24th. A few people asked me how I was doing today, and while from the outside it appears as if things are "perfect", on the inside I'm longing for my little girl. Since today would be her 4 month birthday, I laid in bed a little longer this morning just thinking of her, and she's been on my mind all day. I just watched the 14 minutes of video we have so that I could hear her, I could see that we touched her, and I could watch her move. I saw myself whisper in her ear, I saw her move her arms and legs when her Daddy rubbed her foot, and I listened to her little gurgles when she was breathing. I have the biggest lump in my throat just thinking about all of it, worried that I'll forget those details and sad that some have already been forgotten. Everyone says time heals, but I feel like time just softens the blow a little bit because it's not so fresh. I guess in some situations that's good, but I hate the feeling that time is passing and she's never going to be here with us again. I'm going to try to figure out how to post a snippet or two of our video. Since it was an emergency c-section, we weren't exactly prepared with the video camera, fully charged. That's one of my regrets, but I'm so thankful that we at least have something.
Today is the 23rd, Reagan was born on the 23rd, and the 23rd Psalm keeps popping into my head. Reagan's Grampy read this Psalm in her room that day:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
